


Home is with Me

by ultramarine_citrus



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:22:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27187903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ultramarine_citrus/pseuds/ultramarine_citrus
Summary: Sometimes family is the one who hurt you the most (or Zuko trying to understand his father)
Relationships: Ozai & Zuko (Avatar)
Kudos: 10





	Home is with Me

It’s your third sake this evening. Maybe you should cut it, but this counts as a special occasion. Today was not that bad of a day. It was rather sunny and a bit cool after the light rain. Okay, you’re lying to yourself now because you don’t feel as good. You think this issue solved itself a few years ago, but it has now become a time bomb. It exploded with your anger issues that you have buried for years.

The funeral was this morning. In theory, you see this day would come eventually. Nobody lives forever, yes, but you think he was the exception because he didn’t seem to be mortal at all. Now he’s dead. He’s your father and he’s dead. And a normal person would feel something about their father being dead.

A normal person would just cry and feel sad about it. But you and the world know that you don’t have the best relationship out there with him. You don’t want to admit it but sometimes you still have nightmares about him after all these years. The nightmare has evolved to the usual scene when he burned you to him just telling you will die in agony eventually. 

You don’t really understand why a memory you want to erase is the one you remember so vividly. You can still remember how eerily quiet the room was even though there were hundreds of officials watching and of course, the pain after that. It’s difficult to separate yourself from the trauma when you can see the scar he gave to your face everyday. A normal person wouldn’t do that to their children. You never understand how he could do it. You don’t even want to lay a finger on Izumi although she is now fifteen and has a rebellious streak like every normal teenager in the world.

Now to think about it, you were just a kid. You look at thirteen year olds and you realize how small they are, small as in full of life, innocent and clearly not worried about the world’s political climate. But you were not an ordinary thirteen year old. You were the crown prince and secretly, you didn’t want it. Your cousin died and it made your father the king. It was more of an obligation because you didn’t like politics unlike your sister. You were more worried about not passing the firebending lesson and cheering your mother up because you discovered she used to cry in the bathroom. Not everyday, but it happened so often. She said she was okay but of course you knew she’s lying. Really, no other happy memories than that vacation in Ember Island when you were five. 

You don’t want to make your past a sob story because you’re over it, but what you still don’t understand is why. You can’t get the picture how someone can hurt their children like that, physically and emotionally. As if he doesn’t want you in the first place. You were very obedient and put your best in everything. Your firebending was not stellar but not flunking either. It was mediocre and you were a late bloomer. Firebending doesn’t make someone a good leader. It seemed that he was just searching for something to be blamed for in you. Your doctor said he was projecting, meaning he secretly couldn’t stand himself so he found faults in others. And what easier target other than children, in this case it’s you because you’re the crown prince and someday you will take his place. He saw it as a competition. 

Another theory is he saw his family as another picture of himself and if someone didn’t fit into his criteria, they would be ostracized. That’s what your doctor said but you don’t believe that Father was just insecure and he wanted himself to appear perfect. You can understand that Azula fit more into what the doctor said. Father is another different case. You can’t find anything human in him. He wanted to kill you and he manipulated Azula to do the same. You can forgive her because she didn’t know better. He tried to kill you because he wanted to do so. He knew exactly what he’s doing and he didn’t see anything wrong with it.

The thing is you tried to start again because you’re getting older and he’s not gonna live forever. You still have this hope he could see past himself and change. After trying for two years, he’s still telling you about how he didn’t do anything wrong and of course he blamed everything on you. But he was not as intimidating as when he was the Fire Lord. Aang taking his bending away deteriorated his mind. It was his pride although people said he’s not as strong as uncle. Every visit you couldn’t help but feel bad he’s losing his mind. It’s ironically like looking at the mirror or another reality when you’re the one who’s being locked up and started talking nonsense. You pitied him and you could see clearly that he was hurting, but his ego was too big and he didn’t want to admit he needed to change.

It’s another thing to see him as someone you admired earlier in your life even after the Agni Kai. You still thought of him as this strong and unreachable, almost like a god. Understandable, you two never spent time together. Father was too busy. The image changed over time into someone disgusting after you realized the abuse. You hated him so much back then, wanting him dead but not the one who killed him. It was the Avatar’s job, you thought. Later you actually felt relieved Aang didn’t kill him because it made you feel guilty. The anger to him never left but you wanted to end it because it’s tiring. 

You think him being dead will solve all your problems. Nope. It just made everything worse. Well, you feel guilty about it. A bit. Or a lot. He died in his sleep and out of compassion you actually redecorated his cell to actually look like a room. You still didn’t think it was enough. Or maybe it’s actually grief that you’re feeling. But you don’t feel like crying. Your chest hurts and your head wants to explode. Sometimes you wonder when things have been so different and not so complicated.

Maybe in another reality, your dream would only consist of him hugging and telling you about how proud he was of you. Maybe it shouldn’t be screaming at the dead of night and wondering when your heart stops racing. You can’t help but think about it. If only you could just change his personality completely but it’s still his body. In another time, maybe you can actually have tea peacefully with him, not worrying about him making cruel comments in everything you do. But this time, another sake will do.

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to Home is with Me from the movie Lion (2016) while making this fic. This has been on my draft for 4 months because I don’t really know how to write it haha. I want to portray how someone feels after their abuser died, not necessarily discounts the problems they caused. Also, I should stop writing angst hahaha


End file.
